A Chance for Real Change

By Rita Argiros, Ph.D.

I have been thinking about struggle, that is the struggle against ourselves whenever we try to make a change. You want to lose weight. You try not to eat. At first you have the problem poorly defined. You think that the problem is your weight and the solution is to change what you eat and possibly add some exercise to your day. The real problem is in your head. When you try to diet, you may come to see that you have little control over what you eat. If the problem isn’t too bad periodic attempts at control (dieting) alternate with periods of not. Depending on the individual circumstances not dieting can either be positive acceptance of ourselves and our limitations, a healthy letting go of an obsession with weight—or, it can cover justification and rationalization for a real problem. If our situation gets desperate we seek help from outside ourselves. We surrender control—physically by removing ourselves to a weight-loss clinic or spa if we can afford it, or more radically through gastric bypass surgery or spiritually through some sort of abandonment to a higher power.

The same process applies to habits of thought and feeling. Say you have a debilitating fear of germs that is running and ruining your life. Psychology, psychiatry, the medical community, and your mother all want to relieve your suffering. Certain medications may take the edge off but if you want to overcome your condition then struggle and suffering are necessary. The standard approach, desensitization, is uncomfortable. It involves putting yourself into contact with what you are afraid at ever increasing doses. That part is suffering. The struggle is within you, among the different parts of yourself. There is temptation to back out. If you are lucky, you made a strong commitment at the start and you have a strong relationship with a therapist and possibly a group of fellow phobics. They will gently push you and remind you of your commitment to change and the reasons why you signed up for the process int the first place. That was also suffering.

In my experience there are a few naturally brave people willing to build themselves into the best that they can be just because it is the right thing to do. Most of us change and grow only when circumstances force us and we can see clearly that there is no way to avoid it. If only we could maintain the stance of the truly open minded in the absence of suffering, but the moments where it’s possible to glimpse our true fears and limitations pass because circumstances change.

Recessions end, broken hearts heal, we get out of jail, change jobs, our children grow up, strong emotions lessen naturally as we age. I am not wishing bad things on anyone. And I hope this message doesn’t strike anyone as depressing. I want this to be a message of hope. In our worst moments comes the chance for real change for those prepared to look at themselves. Times are bad. It’s true. It has been a very long time since so many people in this country have felt financial insecurity. My hope is that we resist the temptation to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. Time to struggle. not to wrest control of events. Rather, struggle against self-will and trust God.