(A response to a comment from Jen J.)
By Rita Argiros, Ph.D.
Thanks for expressing what I am sure many alumni are feeling and allowing me the opportunity to say that I 100% stand behind my earlier apologies for all outdated past practices and the harm that they caused. I also know that as we move forward, we will continue to change and grow and that there may be things that are common practice today that are seen as wrong in the future. I am willing to talk personally to alumni looking for clarification, closure, an apology or want to point out other ways we could be better. I want to extend a loving hand of acceptance to any alumni who thinks we will judge them harshly because they are being true to their own values–which should be unique to them,
not a carbon copy of ours.
Jen, thanks for pointing out so clearly that many alumni, even in their resentments are looking for something from us, acknowledgment, approval, respect. To everyone who identifies with that portion of Jen’s comment: We presented you with what works for us. If you got the message that you are bad or you are a failure if you deviate from our values–I am truly sorry. I can see how we communicated that and it was wrong. You need to be living up to your own values. If any of us went overboard dogmatically impressing our values and beliefs on you that was wrong.
Today, I think we do a much better job. At FFS our values are fundamentally the same: the 12 steps and 4 absolutes. They are life saving and transformative. We want all our students to try them, to experiment with them. But if they decide to leave them behind as they move through life, that is fine. Who are we to judge?
We will do what we can to make sure future generations of Family
Foundation School students are as prepared as possible to make the transition from borrowing our values and ethics to living by their own. I think that is part of what you mean when you talk about even our critics needed our approval and acceptance. But I don’t think we will ever be able to make that process painless. It’s part of the human condition.
As for memories and feelings about memories. It is because we do accept them as real, that we have refrained from commenting for as long as we have. Accepting them real and agreeing that they are all 100% objectively true are two different things. Memory is fallible. We remember things that didn’t happen. We don’t remember things that did happen. We get our facts mixed up. Feelings from one event can spill over and color the memories of other events and the feelings you are having when you recall an event can permanently alter the way you feel about that event in the future. That is the reality we are in. It’s true for everyone involved.
I wish with my whole heart that people were not so polarized. I listen to what is being said by both those who think everything we did was wrong and those who admire and respect us for doing the exact same things. I have done what I can to see things from the point of view of the alienated alumni and I will continue to do so. I wish I could have just left it there. But much that is being written about us is distorted at best, lies at worst. I would not be true to myself, my staff, my family, and the alumni and their families who benefited from FFS if I continued to be publicly silent. I regret that my post made some people who it was not aimed at feel angry and defensive. I will not go through each testimony and, line-by-line, explain what I believe and what I doubt, what I don’t understand, what I think is a partial truth, what sounds like hyperbole to me, what rings true to me, what I know from my own memory of events to be a lie–not in a public forum and not in the current litigious climate.
Regardless of the good intentions of many members of CAFETY and regardless what Jon Martin Crawford’s initial intentions were when they first wentup, recent posts, the mailing from CAFETY to 1000s of people in our community that was full of lies, the harassing phone calls, are part of an orchestrated smear campaign designed to, as you put it, “burn us to the ground.” I am not going to lay down and take it. I hope that alumni like yourself hear me when I say, I am not attacking everyone who has posted their personal story. I know that some of my favorite students and old friends have posted criticisms there and I respect that, even if I might see things differently.
Alcohol and the Brain
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Jen, thank you and thank you again for yet another apology Rita. I had a similar experience regarding my issues with my past at the school. I was able to go to the administration of the school and voice my issues that I had in the past. To me it is not the words in apology from the administration that makes a difference, but rather the actions they take which allow me to understand that they are sincere, while not all my personal issues have been resolved, they are making huge strides in bettering themselves as people and as an institution. Let’s face it none of us are perfect, but it is how we handle our failures and defects that helps define us as a person or institution. I would say for all the changes the family school has made and person as well as public apologies they are doing the right thing by me. So thank you all for allowing my voice to be heard.
I spent one year at the school, and although there might have been things that I disagreed with, it did help to save and build my life.
While my time (20 years ago) was different from children who live there now, I can appreciate what is like to stay in a long-term facility.
The Family School has my support
All the replies from staff have been really decent – Rita, Mike D. and now Jim K.
I feel badly that these folks are getting harassing phone calls, and having to respond to half-truths (that get mailed to all those residents of Hancock).
I have constructive criticisms for the school too, but I don’t think it is a good idea to be involved with a group that does things that are vindictive or mean-spirited.
I bet there are 1,000 folks in the communities that I have lived in since I graduated who know about the Family School through me. I enjoy telling people what a unique, often difficult, but ultimately positive place it was for me.