There are a variety of methods teens’ use that can lead to conflicts between parents and their teens. One such method used is emotional blackmail. Lisa Zamosky’s article; “6 Ways Your Teens Is Playing You” describes emotional blackmail as one of the “more challenging manipulations for a parent to recognize and combat”.
The method is difficult to counteract since parents have an inherent desire to see their child happy. Often when a parent has to enforce a rule, teens play the hurt / sad card stating their unhappiness until they get their way. It important to understand that if you ‘give in’ to the emotional blackmail you will be reinforcing its use as an appropriate method in getting what the teen wants.
Emotional blackmail does not stop with parents though; they use it on other adults and other teens. Even more surprising is teens use emotional blackmail even when they aren’t at home. For example students enrolled at The Family Foundation School still use emotional blackmail as a method of getting their way. At times it is difficult to understand why teens continue to use this method on those that aren’t their parents although one obvious conclusion is that it has worked for them in the past, so they continue to use it. Another conclusion is that emotional blackmail can turn into a waiting game they hope to win.
Waiting for the adult authority to ‘give up’ is a typical reaction of most students at The Family Foundation School (FFS) hoping to just wear down the adults at the school, or at the very least sit through a day of not going to class for some reason known only to them. Most often the student waits until they decide to move on with their day, perhaps thinking they have won because they ‘missed that class’ or something else important to them. In truth, the staff at FFS never wavered and did not “give in” they just simply waited for the student to decide for themselves to get on with their day. This method works well because it diffuses the situation and does not lead to confrontation. It also offers the teen the opportunity to work through their reactions and events leading to their current situation.
Parents if you can wait your teen out when it comes to them using emotional blackmail you will reduce the use of it. Move on with your day if you can, be calm and don’t let your teen see how their manipulation affects you. Waiting will limit arguments since it is not playing into your teens desires and prohibits them from “pushing your buttons”. It will offer your teen the time to ‘cool down’ and think about his actions, and gives you time as well. It may not be easy, but with any luck it will improve your relationship with your teen.
